Short term disability

I have been out of STD for a while now and STILL haven’t been paid. I was to trust that work will take care of me. What a joke. Everything is past due, my Credit Cards have been closed and I am so close to loosing my RV it isn’t funny anymore. My credit is ruined.  I am not sleeping again. I finally fell asleep around 2 am, and I woke up around 5am. I just laid there trying to go back to sleep but I was dreaming about all the things that are going wrong right now, so sleep is not happening. I dreamed I was at work arguing with a customer like always and my sup came by and told me I am not allowed to be there because I haven’t been released to return and that I had missed too much time and was not excused and I was fired. My jaw hurts from clenching. I considered applying for a job at Tom Thumb but there is no insurance there. Not like I am gonna get any better with treatment anyways……..  I finally got up after not being able to shut my brain off to the thought of just going back to work and forgetting that I ever thought I was depressed or unwell and what I need to do to fix the mess I have made. I am just weak and need to suck it up and do my job like everybody else. I am letting everyone down and I have done this to myself. There is no reason for me to worry about “getting better” and “relaxing” because this is all some stupid fantasy I came up with to make myself feel special. I am not special, I am lazy. MS is just an excuse to let myself go. I don’t know what I was thinking. I need to go back to work now. Nothing else matters. I need to figure out how to make my eyes quit watering so much and start making phone calls to get my release to go back to work as possible. I have been so stupid. Suck it up. What a joke

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