It turns out that Depression is such an issue with not only MS, but also Call Center work, that my new Therapist connected dots that I couldn’t even talk about. She pointed out that with all the BS from MS and the Loss of everything that has defined me my entire life is one thing, the work I do alone is a REALLY big downer. In fact, she has personally filled out so much paperwork for the company I work at, she knew exactly where the paperwork was stuck and why I am not getting paid. Turns out that when my doctor put me out, he was required to refer me and my case to their office by my HR dept. Well if you have ever worked with HR, you know that they don’t communicate. Neither does insurance or the company that handles out STD (cigna) So its been a month with no pay, everything is past due and that is causing even more stress which is in turn making the Depression worse…….
She said “nasty cycle” several times and assured me that I am not alone, am not weak and have more reason than most to be off kilter. Not to mention being the mother of an autistic daughter and trying to deal with no longer being an athlete and gaining weight. Its like having been an Olympic gymnast and having a back injury that if you do 1 more flip you’ll be paralyzed from the waist down. Its like that because I look normal, I function on a good day like everybody else and nobody can see that something is wrong. I feel like people think I am faking it, but again she assured me that is not the case and it is unfortunatly normal to feel that way with ALL of the stuff I have going on. Most people are in this place with only 1 or 2. I guess I can take faith in that.
So in the mean time, I am trying to find projects and things to look forward to and work towards. Some friends of mine are getting married so I made them a wedding gift. They are having a Norse wedding (we all do medieval re-enactment, but I havnt in a while due to the depression and heat) I made them a clay pot with a poem written in Futhark Runes and a scroll to go with it. The vessel is better than I expected, the scroll is really hard. Knotwork and finding things that match is nerve wracking and really hard on the eyes and hands. I finally finished that but now have to paint it. If you know Jake and Sadie and are reading this, DO NOT SHARE THE PICS! It’s a surprise hehe.
Mom has been pulling me out of my hole where she can. She knows I like to cook and has been my taste tester. I am working towards making a Charlotte Rousse for Thanksgiving and the parts are complicated. So I am making the parts separately to perfect them. I made the full show with home made lady fingers, sponge, lemon Bavious, Vanilla cardamom bavious but no jelly. It didn’t set so I I didn’t add it that time. The flavors need work but I got the textures right. Watch The Great British Baking show.
Its also Pow Wow season. There are 4 in November locally and I hope to hit 2 of them. I always want to go to the Big one in Atmore but I will hopefully be back at work, which means I wont be able to go. Its on Thanksgiving. I feel a bit out of place there though. I am pale, with red hair. According to my Dad, we are Choctaw, Cherokee and Creek. According to geneology, we are European. According to DNA I am 17% Cherokee with a splash of creek and Blackfoot. I also get invited to participate in the Military/Veterans/ First Responders dance. But I am not a 1st responder anymore, MS took that away from me too. I mean in an Emergency I am all in, but I am not supposed to due to the Compromised Immune system. It is complicated.