Just Blah

Today was kind of ruff, still out of antidepressants.

I got an email from 1 of the ladies I was with in the 1st training class at my job. There were 32 of us, but a dozen are left. Mr Rubble is retiring, so the email said “By now everyone should have gotten the invite to the retirement party, I hope to see you all there……” There was more but I didn’t read it. Jumped through my emails and couldn’t find it. Several “reply all” emails came in answer with “Ill be there, “It will be great” cant wait to see you all”…… So I emailed the 1 who sent it originally and let her know I didn’t get one. She told me to talk to my supervisor. And what would that do? My Sup has nothing to do with the invitation, maybe helping me get time off. Hmmm I really should ask her if she can help me schedule for ______ day at ______ time so we can meet up at _______ for the retirement party.  More happy replies….. I did a reply all “Hope you all have a great time” and deleted them all.

My annual review is up soon. My sup told me the scores have to come up. Been pretending I’m a robot and just making it happen. Scores are coming up, WAY up, at least I think. The scorecard is stuck on the 1st and hasn’t updated. I got some really great Compliments and peer to peer Kudos this week too. That will REALLY look good. I asked my sup if she could see my scores and if there was still time to get these things in before it goes up the chain. Well my review has already gone up to management. But it will look great on next years review…..if I have a job. Its really hard to sound happy and helpful with tears rolling down your face. I’m turning into such a cry baby. Just suck it up.

Got an email at home from a friend that is part of the medieval group I am with (at least I think I am because I cant ever go do anything anymore) She and I are co-leaders, she has been out with family stuff, now I am out with health. And to tell the truth, when elections came up, I said specifically that I will only take it no one else will because I’m not ready. I don’t have enough to give for leadership. So here I am, co-leader. She reminds me that she is co with me and asks if there is anything she can do since I cant make appearances or show up to anything or do anything, or know anybody, or anything at all. She was very polite btw, that’s my inner voice taking over………I read it and just cried. Then I typed yes I would love her to step up and take care of things while I am down. What I wanted to say was something along the lines of “I quit, you take it all, you are more a Leader then I am and I never deserved it in the 1st place.” She means well, and I cant expect anyone to wait for me to get better because its not going to happen. The group should keep going forward and forget about me as I am the worst leader they have ever had.

When I got home I wanted to go somewhere like Dirt Cheap and look for a windbreaker of a new fleece jacket as everyone is doing clearance right now. So I did laundry. I made egg salad (yummy) and dreamed of the chickens I will never have producing free range eggs in the backyard that will never be ready so I will never get to go out there. And then I did some more laundry. I didn’t feel like going anymore.

This cant just be lack of meds. Mercury must be in retrograde or something with some insane planetary alignment and some evil plant is laughing while dumping gobs of pollen into the air making everyone sniffle and cough, which makes me feel like a bad mother and an utter failure in all things. I know what this is but gees, let up already!! I hate express-scripts……. Just Blah

OK I’m done bellyaching for the night. On to raspberry sherbet and a movie


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