Hard Week

I haven’t written much this week. I ran out of my antidepressant 5 days ago, so you can imagine I’m not in the best running order. Turns out the mail order company my insurance requires me to use dropped the ball. I have some on the way…… I hope.

My boss advised me that “this is the warning” that my job is in danger. Its very hard to be happy, helpful and remembering everything like this. So I figured I would just screw on my smile real tight and pretend its a contest. It’s happening, my scores are coming up, but its not my best work. It just gets the #s up. So I am keeping to myself a lot as I know my attitude is way off.

My doc is watching my white count very closely. She has advised me I can no longer walk barefoot (stuff can come through my skin) No meat that isn’t “WELL” done (could ingest something I cant fight off), no sushi and to avoid children and sick people as I am very succeptible.

As in my usual fashion, I have decided I will put my frustrations to work and choreograph. Its what I do when I’m in an MRI tube normally, it keeps my mind busy. So I am preparing my Solo for recital next year. It has a prop, and a very simple blue dress. I haven’t decided if its light or dark, kind of depends on what I can get my hands on. Its about this journey that I am on right now. The first dozen times I listened to the music I cried. Pretty sure that’s the lack of antidepressants. I think it is coming along nicely. I cant help but wonder If I will be brave enough to ever show my work in ballet, as I am an Irish Dancer lol. Kind of different technique for sure, and My ballet has a very long way to go. I know I will not be allowed to do it at recital, but I am letting myself believe it because it helps.

A lot of my depression centers around my weight. I haven’t been this heavy since I was pregnant 18 years ago. I felt great at recital except a couple spots. But I should know better then to watch myself in recording, especially without meds. I felt I looked horribly fat and sloppy. I’m sure its not true but its how I feel. The fat sloppy ballerina on stage. On the happy side though, I was at my desk job today and was stretching at my desk. I had my leg stretched up on my desk and doing 1 leg eleve’s and pliea’s (bad bad spelling there ) when a team came out from a meeting. They are normally very loud, but when they came to my desk they all got quiet and slowed down to watch me, apparently with mouths hanging open. At least I am still more flexible then others at work. Made me smile from ear to ear. I heard someone say in a whisper “she’s a ballerina, wow”

Along with the weight thing, I think I may be on my way to an unhealthy eating disorder, that or my stomach is still messed up from a bug I had. I ate 1/2 cup of yogurt with fruit for breakfast. My stomach advised me to stop. Then for lunch I went downstairs to grab some chicken strips to share in the car when I went to pick up my daughter. I don’t like the fries there, but they come with them. I asked the guy at the counter (we have a food court downstairs) If i could have 6 strips and leave off the fries. He said sure but I needed to check up front where the wing bar was to see if they were cheaper. So I did, and the line was long. I just gave up, too complicated. So I got a coke and left to pick her up. My stomach was growling but It didn’t bother me. I thought, “I’ll eat tomorrow.” but FYI, I did go back later and get a banana and I ate chicken fried rice for dinner. My meds need to get here yesterday.

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